Who hasn’t grinned with a clenched jaw through the holiday season? For some, Thanksgiving evokes joy and a time of coming together for celebration, yet for others, this and other holidays can be a time of great stress. Indeed, our attitude about the holidays that span the weeks between Thanksgiving and the New Year might change from year to year depending on other events in our lives. If this Thanksgiving is finding you more in favor of hiding out than diving in, we offer a few DBT skills that help us all cope, so that we can get through this potentially high-stress time in such a way that we might even feel positive about and satisfied by the day's events.
First things first, why not cope ahead? Look at the days ahead and consider what needs to be accomplished. Make a list. Think about priorities. Do you have a lot of cooking to do? Or, do you not have plans at all? Whatever your situation, planning ahead will minimize last minute stress. Some people like to make paper lists so as to cross off all they need to do, others prefer apps on their phones or computers. Whatever works for you, manage the situation by making a list and checking it twice. When stressed, it becomes more difficult to rely on memory, and relying on our memory only invites more stress.
It might also help to think, Do I really need to clean the front room before guests come over, or, can I just shut the door and call that room off limits? Do I need to add that extra side dish for my gluten-free vegan sister, or, can I ask her to bring a dish potluck-style that will suit her diet? There is usually more than one way to solve a problem, so think of your options, and make the day go a little easier on yourself (and others).
Another way to cope ahead is to think about who you might be spending time with, and what you want those interactions to be like. On one hand, you might have one particular relative or friend you want to be sure to spend time with, but with lots of activity and others having their own needs and plans, this can be difficult. Surely, many people are feeling the strain of obligation, and are having the experience of being “pulled in many directions.” In this case, you might want to think about your social time in advance, and brainstorm options to make sure you are spending time with the people most important to you. Get creative. While it might not be possible to see everyone for the Thanksgiving meal, who could you meet after for a movie (most theaters are open on Thanksgiving)? Or, who could you meet the next day for breakfast or lunch? What about a group hike, or walk through a park or on the beach the day or weekend after Thanksgiving? What about getting some friends or family together to volunteer time serving dinner at a homeless shelter?
On the other hand, like most of us, you might have to spend time with people that you struggle with, who trigger difficult emotions. In this case, use your DBT skills to make sure that your vulnerability factors are low even before you see them. Meaning, make sure that you've gotten enough sleep, exercise and have been eating a balanced diet. Consider all of the things you are proud of in your life and that are going well, and spend some time being mindful of the positive before the holiday gathering begins so that your mind is filled with experiences that create positive emotions. Do your best to avoid ruminating on past problems but perhaps consider in advance difficulties in conversation that may arise, and come up with a few effective ways to communicate boundaries and share your needs. Also remember to check the facts. It's totally understandable that certain situations may leave you with intense emotions but check to make sure the emotions and the intensity fit the facts of what is really happening.
Self-soothing and ACCEPTS skills will be useful all holiday season long, but particularly on Thanksgiving. Feeling tested by someone who gets to you every time you gather with family or friends? Why not take a few minutes to walk around the block, or, put your headphones on and listen to your favorite music. Stand in the kitchen and smell the sprigs of rosemary that will season the meal. Go into a back room and watch a funny film. Call a friend who might also be struggling with family obligations. Or, practice opposite action, and jump in to participate. What would it be like to jump into the activities of the day, using your observe and describe skills?
Another thing to consider is the Thanksgiving meal itself. Knowing that there will likely be a lot of food to enjoy, you may want to cope ahead for this as well, and consider how you want to feel after dinner and desert. What will support you so as to make sure that happens? How can you be one mindful when you eat? Might you consider exercising in the morning? Remember long term goals around food?
Finally, Thanksgiving is all about gratitude, so let this be an opportunity for you to reflect and create positive emotions. Spend the next bunch of days thinking about what you have in your life, big and small. If you can't think of anything, perhaps the fact that you are reading this blog, that you have access to the internet and the capacity to read, is something to be thankful for. And if you’re at all like the rest of us, you can always lean on your radical acceptance skills, so as to recognize when you are spending a lot of energy wishing that reality, family, the holidays, were something other than what they are. Remember, you can IMPROVE the moment!
